Ultimately, I was chasing after a false source of peace. Though I knew who Jesus was and what he did for me, I often looked within myself instead of looking up to him for satisfaction. Knowing Jesus isn’t the same as finding our true identity in him. I can know all the right answers and say all the right things, but until I chase the riches of his shalom alone, I will never experience ultimate fulfillment. During my undergraduate years, I viewed peace as something that was contingent on my success. However, by putting the world first and Jesus second, my hope was resting where hope is never found: in unfulfilling idols.
As my fall semester came to a close, I still felt unfulfilled. I realized that what I had been pursuing was fraudulent. In fact, indulging in the thought of wealth and success gave me the opposite of peace; it gave me fear. Fear of losing everything I could ever earn. How could it be like this? What was I missing? Later that spring, I began attending a church in Nashville that helped answer some of the questions I had been wrestling with for all too long.
I remember one sermon in particular in which our pastor described the difference between earthly wealth and kingdom wealth, and the heart’s pursuit of both. He preached about how important it is to give back to the Lord what he so kindly has given to us. That when we receive a blessing, it isn’t by our own merit, but by the sweet providence of Jesus. The pastor told us that, while the things of this world tempt us with security and luxury, they are only temporary indulgences. When we follow Jesus, however, we are charged to hollow out our heart of earthly riches to make room for his everlasting love. That, he said, is where unconditional peace is found. I realized that, in pursuing wealth and status, I was putting the riches of the world before the riches of his Kingdom. I wanted to pursue medicine because I was hungry for something I didn’t trust God enough to give me.
The most wonderful thing about our God is that his peace is always available. We just have to say yes.
Isaiah 26:12 tells us, “Lord, you will ordain peace for us, for indeed, all that we have done, you have done for us.” This is a passage I can never forget because I know where my heart has been. I’ve spent too much time drooling over the thought of wealth--a pursuit that keeps my eyes focused on myself, not God. Instead of looking up to my true source of peace, I sought out material wealth, but the two are not interchangeable. My decision to pursue a career that supposedly promised wealth, security and popularity left me nothing but deep internal conflict. Sometimes, Jesus pushes us in directions that feel uncomfortable because he knows the orientation of our hearts. We often confuse comfort with peace, but in reality, the only way to experience his peace is to see how little we have without him. I can know all of the right answers and say all of the right things, but until I chase the riches of His shalom alone, I will never experience ultimate fulfillment.
When we chase what is fleeting, we run ourselves straight into the grave. Dying to our flesh means giving Jesus the insecurities that plague our hearts, in exchange for a peace that surpasses all understanding. The life of a Christian is not supposed to be easy. In fact, fully trusting in the Lord means answering his call to do things that terrify us--to slay the Goliaths that seem too big. Putting ourselves at odds with the world is the only way we can align with Jesus.
It is okay to desire stability and success, but, at the end of the day, we must be willing to forsake both of those things, and everything else, for him. Jesus will give us more than we bargain for, but only because his everlasting peace is more than we could ever deserve.